It’s weird for newly weds to start living together. It’s a giddy, excited feeling, like you’re doing something wrong, but you know you’re not. It takes a while to adjust to the new lifestyle and the new roles you take on. Some times it takes longer to fully realize than others. I still wake up some mornings and realize that I’m married, and it’s a great feeling!
You aren’t the only one that’s having a hard time adjusting to the new situation. Your parents and your parent-in-laws are having to adjust to not only your new position and roles but their own as well. They in many respects feel they need to watch over you and protect you and be in your business and yes, in some cases embrace you… Can you blame them? It’s been their primary job function since you were born! And you know what they say about old dogs learning new things…
Understanding that this behavior on their parts is going to occur is half the battle; however understanding does not excuse the behavior especially when it begins to intrude and even violate your marriage. Parents may not like your spouse or your in-laws may not like you. There are many dynamics that can play out such as parents and their daughter still wanting to protect her from her new husband, even though they just gave her away to be married to him. Or a drama addicted mother who is compelled to compete for her son’s affection.
No mater what the situation is, it requires boundaries to be set in place to keep it from happening again. Believe it or not, your parents have more likely than not been in the very same position as you… They had to do this with your grandparents at one point or another. It is a right of passage. I’ve found with my parents that when I approached the matter with them in a way they could relate to, it went much smoother. Are there times where problems still arise? Of course!
Some times parents’ feelings get hurt by this. Some times when you try to set boundaries for your new life with your spouse, parents will get a ‘Fine, you don’t want me around, then you wont see me at all nor will you get any help from me!” attitude, as if it is an all or nothing deal. That is a very immature reaction, but there is no need to react to that reaction. It’s more telling of them than you.
Some times parents won’t get it and keep interrupting your married life. This response can come about for a variety of reasons including (but not limited to) imaturaty, not wanting to deal with the new reality, just wanting to get that excited feeling of being around newly weds, or even just not understanding that you do need time alone with your new spouse. Some times parents will understand perfectly and will help when you need it and will give you room when you need it. This is the ideal, but it’s exceedingly rare so don’t expect it right off the bat.
A big thing to remember is this is going to take some time to get used to for everyone involved and it is just a matter of time before you are in your parents’ shoes. You can decide now what kind of parent you will be once that day comes for your children!
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