Communication: Introduction

I have known since I was about 14, when my parents almost had divorced, that communication in a marriage is vital! My parents were never really good at the whole communication thing when dad was working 3rd shifts. I was an observant child though and I took particular note of that. Money, Sex and Communication (or rather the lack there of in all three counts) are the typical causes of divorce in most marriages. I want to focus on communication, but there are so many areas to speak to and I like to keep these posts decently short and easy to read, so I have decided to break this up into a series. The following posts will be about the various aspects of communication.

One thing that it highly important is knowing what your "Love Language" is and more importantly what your spouses is too! What is a Love Language? I'm not talking about French or Italian, I'm talking about the 5 Love Languages set forth by Gary Chapman in his book aptly named "The 5 Love Languages." "Sure," you might be thinking, "a guy who preaches on love telling me to read a book about 5 types of love... I wonder what his cut is?" I don't get a cut... It helped me a long time ago and I figure it can help you too. Check it out at your library, book store or http://www.5lovelanguages.com/. Breifly, they are Physical Touch,Words of Affirmation,  Quality Time, Acts of Service and Receiving Gifts (and yes that is the order of my love languages).

I urge you and your spouse to read this book as Gary Chapman does a much better job at explaining all of this than I could, but it is an important component to communication in your marriage and with those around you too! If you knew how to make your spouse feel absolutely loved just by communicating in their love language, would you want to do it? And remember, this is another one of those areas where you both must be selfless. You are not trying to find your love language for yourself or to pound into your spouse. You are trying to find your spouses love language so you can demonstrate your love for your spouse more effectively and more often!

Looking At the Best In Your Spouse Even in the Midst of the Worst

In any relationship there are hard times... some harder than others. It is always important to remember that love is a choice. Do you choose to continue to love and show love to your mate espesially when things are rocky?  Its not an easy task to show love ... that's why 'they' call them "hard times." The choice is to continue to show love to your other half even when he/she is being down right unlovable! Remember, you made a promise to your family, his/her family, him/her and to God Himself that you would love and cherish your spouse not only for better but for worse too! And those bad times are precisly the place your love will be proven and strengthened! And if you're having a hard time remembering what it is to love, flip back to I Cor 13 and read though... if anything there sticks at you, kinda like an 'ow! Do I have to???' That's most likely what you may need to work on in your own heart before you can be loving to them in those times. And don't forget that love is selfless!

So, What Is Love, Exactly?

A lot of people have a lot of different guesses about what Love is and many come to some pretty crazy conclusions based on those various guesses. I, as a follower of Christ, like to look to what God says love is. I find the best place to look is 1^st Corinthians, chapter 13 verses 4-7…

1Co 13:4 Love has patience, is kind; love is not envious; love is not vain, is not puffed up with pride; 5 It is not rude, does not pursue its own things, is not easily provoked to anger, keeps no record of wrongs; 6 does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth. 7 Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes and endures all things.

So what does that description of love mean to you? I’ve found that this passage tells us that true love is above all else selfless, focused not on what you can get out of the relationship but on what you can put into it. Is your love for your spouse about what you can do for them or what they can do or have done (or not done) for you?

Parental Boundaries

It’s weird for newly weds to start living together. It’s a giddy, excited feeling, like you’re doing something wrong, but you know you’re not. It takes a while to adjust to the new lifestyle and the new roles you take on. Some times it takes longer to fully realize than others. I still wake up some mornings and realize that I’m married, and it’s a great feeling!

You aren’t the only one that’s having a hard time adjusting to the new situation. Your parents and your parent-in-laws are having to adjust to not only your new position and roles but their own as well. They in many respects feel they need to watch over you and protect you and be in your business and yes, in some cases embrace you… Can you blame them? It’s been their primary job function since you were born! And you know what they say about old dogs learning new things…

Understanding that this behavior on their parts is going to occur is half the battle; however understanding does not excuse the behavior especially when it begins to intrude and even violate your marriage. Parents may not like your spouse or your in-laws may not like you. There are many dynamics that can play out such as parents and their daughter still wanting to protect her from her new husband, even though they just gave her away to be married to him. Or a drama addicted mother who is compelled to compete for her son’s affection.

No mater what the situation is, it requires boundaries to be set in place to keep it from happening again. Believe it or not, your parents have more likely than not been in the very same position as you… They had to do this with your grandparents at one point or another. It is a right of passage. I’ve found with my parents that when I approached the matter with them in a way they could relate to, it went much smoother. Are there times where problems still arise? Of course!

Some times parents’ feelings get hurt by this. Some times when you try to set boundaries for your new life with your spouse, parents will get a ‘Fine, you don’t want me around, then you wont see me at all nor will you get any help from me!” attitude, as if it is an all or nothing deal. That is a very immature reaction, but there is no need to react to that reaction. It’s more telling of them than you.

Some times parents won’t get it and keep interrupting your married life. This response can come about for a variety of reasons including (but not limited to) imaturaty, not wanting to deal with the new reality, just wanting to get that excited feeling of being around newly weds, or even just not understanding that you do need time alone with your new spouse. Some times parents will understand perfectly and will help when you need it and will give you room when you need it. This is the ideal, but it’s exceedingly rare so don’t expect it right off the bat.

A big thing to remember is this is going to take some time to get used to for everyone involved and it is just a matter of time before you are in your parents’ shoes. You can decide now what kind of parent you will be once that day comes for your children!

Selflessness Is Your First Step

I can't say it any simpler than that... Ok, let's try this... Think of your spouse before thinking of yourself. How can you fulfill your spouses needs and desires? Now think of it in the other direction... "Do I think of my needs over my spouses needs? Do I think of fulfilling my desires over my spouses desires? Do I even know what my spouse's desires and needs are?" Really, ask yourself these questions! Do you know? If not, then chances are that you are either thicker in the head than you realized or more selfish than you realized.

This comes down to communication. But it also comes down to loving another the way you love yourself. I have a friend who told me that she doesn't love herself all that much. I asked her what she would do if she found a $100 bill lying on the ground... She began to list the things she would buy for herself. This was about 15 minutes after telling me that she had no money to get her husband a birthday gift. Regardless of how you may FEEL about yourself, you still love yourself. You know what you want and need, and will often stop at nothing (within reason most times) to get it. Wouldn't it be nice if someone else would act that way toward you... look out for you so you wouldn't have too....

Now I know this may sound like a crazy concept, but when Kell and I were just going out, I painted her a proverbial picture of how a person is taught to look out for his or herself... "take care of number one" as the saying goes. But imagine if you will if someone starts to look out for you. That frees you up to lookout for someone else, namely the one looking out for you. If you are taking care of your spouses needs and your spouse is taking care of your needs you are both demonstrating love for each other in turn allowing each other to be loved and love. Now this is a very basic, infantile form of love as it is conditional, or tit-for-tat, but it is a place to begin. to know what love might feel like.

Talk with each other to find out what the other needs, likes and desires. Become each other's best friends...

Why Listen To Us?

I love hearing from others who have been married for a few or more years than Kelly and I have been. Now there aren't many who have been married as long as us who are still as in love today (if not more so) as they were on the day they were married... For one, that's a MAJOR discouragement... For two, that makes the ones who are happily married that much more important to listen to... especially when they don't have that 'perfect life' facade going on. You know that 'We're so perfect, we make you wanna puke' kinda vibe?

Now, we have gone to marriage seminars like Love and Respect, and we all know that one couple at church or at work who have the appearance of having the perfect marriage and the perfect kids and the perfect house and cars and money flow and sex life and so on and so forth and just never seem to have any problems. These are the kind of people who make lots and lots of money and then tell the rest of us how to have a perfect marriage just like them... and a lot of times they are making money from telling you that they are perfect and you're not and to be more like them...

Kelly and I are by far not the 'perfect' image of a couple... We live paycheck to pay check most of the time and have seemingly more than our fair share of difficulties, what with finances, our parents, friends, sex, parenting prep, work, house work, car problems, not to mention trying to plan for the future (as if such a thing were possible... sounds like a blog post for another one of my blogs...). Point is we do have to live life just like everyone else, yet we are still happy with each other more often than not, and when we aren't, we still take joy in each other.

That is where the secrets lay to having a good relationship with your spouse... How to take joy in your spouse. And in these blog posts, I hope you will learn how to have a great marriage in spite of all the other junk going on in your life.

Why The Heck Of All Things A Marriage Blog?!?

Why indeed... Many people who we know have looked at Kelly and I and said that we have something that they don't have and often want to know what that is. That is part of what this blog is about. There are also situations and scenarios that cause a lot of drama which arise in marriages that Kelly and I have encountered that most married people encounter that I think can be handled in most cases without causing more drama. And a drama free marriage is truly a happy marriage!

My concepts of marriage stem from a couple key points from Scripture. First of all Love the Lord your God with all that you are, and Second, Love others as you love yourself. (Matthew 22:36-40) Then the explanation of Love found in 1st Corinthians 13 which in summery states that love is selfless. Then the next is for wives to submit to their husbands as the Church should submit to Christ's authority and for husbands to love their wives as Christ demonstrated for His Church (and do remember before criticizing, Christ loved His bride, the Church, so much that He died for Her) (this found various places in the New Testament of the Bible but for reference's sake, Ephesians 5:22-25). There are several other areas that I will cite when I come across them.

Now this is only a small part of what it is to apply love to ones life. Agape (love without condition) can and should be applied throughout your life, but first you must have Christ in your life. You can apply a set of principals to your life to try and make it better, but any cult or government can create a set of 'principals' and call it good, but only Christ can cause true transformation in ones heart. For more on this type of love, you may visit nathanward.org, or you may visit the blog http://godsloveinaction.blogspot.com. And be sure to come back here for more on marriage!